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You know I thought deployment was hard, the last few months have been harder. How is it you can live in the same house and be married to someone and not know them? I used to think I knew my husband... but I don't think I do. Or I don't know the person he is now, the after deployment husband. I am hurting so bad inside and I don't think he realizes it. I prefer to think this anyway over him knowing and just not caring. I know when I try and talk to him he gets defensive and shuts down. I am wrong and he is right and that is that. Most of the time I go ignored by him in a huge way. I prefer to interact with out looking at some sort of screen. He prefers to just sit and watch netflix... read on his nook... or sleep. Many of his interactions with the kids and I are in a negative tone. Now mind you in no way is my husband abusive but the emotional scars are taking their toll. This is a mad I wanted to marry for as long as I can remember. Now I sit going what did I do? I should have just kept my self unmarried. I hate feeling this way as I love being married to him. He is the only one I have ever wanted to share that bond with. Now I wonder if that bond meant he same to him as it does to me. I meant every word of our vows to each other. Maybe he doesn't see them as I do? I don't know. I just know he left for 7 and a half months and came back a different person.

Maybe one day he will realize he shares a house with his wife. Maybe one day he will wake up and say to himself wow I miss hugging her. I miss kissing her. I miss cuddling with her. Among other things. Or maybe he wont. I really just don't know. I have pointed out ot him he is not the same he was. Now I knwo we all change. Its what we do. We eveolve in to different people over a time. This is not a bad thing.... excpet when the person you become is someone who is going to destroy your marriage. This I would think would be a problem. But then the person would have to admit there was a problem to begin with and in this situation... well there is no problem.... only there is *sigh*

I love my husband. He is the other half of me. When I am shy and quiet he is outgoing and a people person which helps me not be so shy. He loves to try new things and going do things. I love this. He is amazing and my soul mate. I just dont know what is wrong right now. Its hurting me though. Right down to my core.