WTF

I am so fustrated right now I cant even come up with the words to go with it. Just when I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel I find out its just a huge train headed my way. Go figure.

For the past few days, my husband had been normal. Right after I wrote my last entery he came home for lack of better discription, normal. Or more like his pre deployment self. It has been great. But as fast as it happen... the same speed took place on him going backwards. Really it sucked. Or sucks. I really miss the old husband. The one I married. I am tired of our conversations going in circles and everything being my fault. I am tired of him saying I dont know to every thing I ask. I am tired of getting an attitued and being expected to do everything. I am tired I am stressed and I am over it. And I have no idea what to do about it. I have stress headache after stress headache. I have kids telling me daddy is mean. I swear I get CPS at my door and I will never ever forgive him for it. Now its my fault cause I am always on my phone or computer. But why doesnt he ask me to get off them? Why is it always my fault. I am so tired of it. take some interest in the relationship. Nope. NO idea why not either.

Sippy cup spilled on the couch... he didnt clean it up. Waited for me.
Company we bought the van from needs to be called.... yep he is waiting for me
I didnt know a comforter needed to be washed... my fault.
We dont spend time together..... my fault. Heaven forbid he put forth effort.

I almost miss deployment and underways. Almost.

Blah

You know I thought deployment was hard, the last few months have been harder. How is it you can live in the same house and be married to someone and not know them? I used to think I knew my husband... but I don't think I do. Or I don't know the person he is now, the after deployment husband. I am hurting so bad inside and I don't think he realizes it. I prefer to think this anyway over him knowing and just not caring. I know when I try and talk to him he gets defensive and shuts down. I am wrong and he is right and that is that. Most of the time I go ignored by him in a huge way. I prefer to interact with out looking at some sort of screen. He prefers to just sit and watch netflix... read on his nook... or sleep. Many of his interactions with the kids and I are in a negative tone. Now mind you in no way is my husband abusive but the emotional scars are taking their toll. This is a mad I wanted to marry for as long as I can remember. Now I sit going what did I do? I should have just kept my self unmarried. I hate feeling this way as I love being married to him. He is the only one I have ever wanted to share that bond with. Now I wonder if that bond meant he same to him as it does to me. I meant every word of our vows to each other. Maybe he doesn't see them as I do? I don't know. I just know he left for 7 and a half months and came back a different person.

Maybe one day he will realize he shares a house with his wife. Maybe one day he will wake up and say to himself wow I miss hugging her. I miss kissing her. I miss cuddling with her. Among other things. Or maybe he wont. I really just don't know. I have pointed out ot him he is not the same he was. Now I knwo we all change. Its what we do. We eveolve in to different people over a time. This is not a bad thing.... excpet when the person you become is someone who is going to destroy your marriage. This I would think would be a problem. But then the person would have to admit there was a problem to begin with and in this situation... well there is no problem.... only there is *sigh*

I love my husband. He is the other half of me. When I am shy and quiet he is outgoing and a people person which helps me not be so shy. He loves to try new things and going do things. I love this. He is amazing and my soul mate. I just dont know what is wrong right now. Its hurting me though. Right down to my core.

Having 6 kids and a husband that is gone more then he is home has made it impossible to keep up with my project 365, or my blogging in general. Its kind of sad but it is what it is. Right now our lives are so in the air. I dont know anymore. We have no idea when deployment will be, we have no idea when homecoming will be. I have no idea when our tax return will be here so I have no idea if I can plan our family vacation, or replace the washer and dryer that are on their way to brokenville, which is not good when you have 8 people in the house.
God is good and by his grace things will be ok, however, I am of the impatient kind of people.

Now for a photo:

This is Amanda. And her brand new baby boys. On the Left Issiah on the right is Gabriel. This was mama holding them for the first time. And explaining to them that daddy will be home in a week. See these little boys were born Jan 25th. A week before the guys came home from being out at sea on work ups. Is this a beautiful photo? I love it.

Issiah, tiny peanut. My buddy.

Baby Legs contest!

Bab Snazz is running a contest to win 20 free pairs of baby legs leg warmers. We love them! Check out the contest in the link below.

http://www.babysnazz.com/contest/

And we have PHOTOS!!!!!!!!!!!

So here we go! My first photo. Its not amazing quality but I think the subject is awesome. We went to the holiday party and they had ice sculptures. I didnt get a photo of the second one but I did get one of this one. We counted it and it took 5 blocks of ice to make this thing. Just amazing!

A) I really needed to vacuum (I did trust me lol)
and B) When did she get so big? She sad and played for a while like this. She had a blast. When did she get so big?

My Juju bug sleeping on my rocker today. Lord I love this little girl.

Eureka!

My computer has a card reader. Yep I feel stupid :) Downloading photo goodness as I type. (we will not mention how stupid I feel to realize this fact about my computer lol)

Good News?

Good news blogger readers.... I think I found a cord last night in my house that will work with the camera. Pics to follow today at some point if it does! YAY!